1. Two people are in love with each other but they both know that they are not yet ready or mature enough to handle a relationship. Hence, they just go with the flow without committing to a relationship.

2. Two people feel something so special with one another, they enjoy doing things together, love spending time with one another,  but neither of them is brave enough to talk about it .

3. Past lovers, who after breaking up might have tried to be with other people, but after sometime realized that those relationships won't work either, ended up doing things as they used to when they were still lovers minus the commitment thing. Probably so as not to let their past mistakes ruin the same relationship or because they too aren't still sure whether they really want to be back in each others' arms or they simply can't find their true love that for the meantime, they can do with what used to work in the past.

My situation would obviously fall under the third one. Pseudo relationships can probably be considered as a very practical set up given those situations mentioned above. Practical in the sense that you can be happy without sacrificing your other priorities. But like in any other more "common" relationships, pseudo relationships would only come across as the best option if both parties are in the same mind frame--more aptly put, same emotional stability or instability.

In other words, if it is a mutual choice, well and good, win-win. However, if this set up is a choice for one party alone and the other party is wishing for something more, then it becomes a win-lose situation. The pseudo relationship then becomes a source of more heart breaks, disappointments and sometimes false hopes for the losing end.

Then again it will always be a choice, and each person would always be entitled to his/her own choice. Only in the course of choosing, we sometimes let ourselves continue to grieve at the losing end. Clouding the darker side that we might end up being junked and still rejected in the end, by choosing to look at the silver lining that there could still be a chance that what we're aching for will be given to us. Again there goes the false hope that no matter what, it will always be a happy ending, it will still be a "happily ever after".

My patience was put into so much tests and I could no longer take any more of it. This is the first time that I felt sort of abused already and I even asked myself what might have I done for this person to treat me that way. To give you an idea, I'll share with you bits and pieces of my weekend story:

Friday night: I was having dinner with friends. He was texting me telling me he'll drop by my house later that night (he was still practicing drums with officemates). Told him he could pick me up from trinoma instead since me and my friends would probably be spending some more time for coffee. He said he can't. I asked why, no answer. However, when coffee was finished he called me up, telling me he was picking me up and we could spend some time at bk chillin'. We were in the car already when his phone rang. Overheard him saying "sige sunod ako." I wouldn't have reacted to that, but the next thing I knew, we were pulling over in front of my house. Get it? He just brought me home, cancelling our bk plan without a single word even just for the mere sake of "hey for your info, I'm cancelling our plans."

Deep breath... Deep breath... When he realized my face wasn't as friendly as it normally looks, he sensed the problem. However, he was able to lure me with his lambing so I ended up telling him "enjoy the night and just text me you got home" before kissing him goodbye, silently reminding myself that he needs to spend time with his friends and I shouldn't feel bad about it.

Saturday: The "goodmorning" call went quite late given his previous nights' gimmick. He said they'll have another round of practice today. Lunchtime, he called me up again saying they're done practicing. Mid afternoon, I phoned him just to ask if he's back home already. Guess what he told me... "we're going to quezon, road trip". Take note, he said it wasn't planned, just barkada trip "biglaan." I went blank... It was almost 3pm, they're going to quezon (same friends he was with last night), probably arrive there almost night time, have some drinks, sleep, then go to the beach sunday late morning until afternoon... So what happened to last week's plan of us going to spa together on Sunday???

Told him not to go anymore, he didn't listen. Assured me we're still pushing through with Sunday plans...

Sunday: Lunchtime he texted me, said we'll probably have to adjust the spa appointment a little later than what we originally planned. Fine with me... At 5 I was expecting him to be on his way back to manila. At 6, his text message was: "paalis pa lang kami"... Me, was a little hysteric, "nananadya ka?".

11pm, was about to sleep already, in my worst mood ever... My phone rang, it was him. Said he's outside, was even insisting we push through with plans of going to spa and dine out, this time much much sweeter, he knew I was burning. I went out for him, looked him straight in the eyes and said "you're too late."

When I looked inside the car, I saw his towel, wet clothes, board shorts... "So, biglaan nga pala!"

Insensitive, liar, abusive, selfish...

Quoting Ne-yo: Please don't worry 'bout me I'm fine, only gonna play the fool one time (though I know I played the fool too many times for you), trust me when I say, that I'll be okay... go on boy...

What's good about it is that it's really simple yet the finished product will amaze you. It's also not messy to do. With the help of the flat-and-pointed chopsticks, you're ready to apply on the paperclays onto the corkboard.

The materials are also so simple. It's basically just the paperclay and the board where the design is outlined. From time to time, you'll be needing to apply tiny drops of water when the clay gets dry. But other than that, you're off to paint like a pro already. 

I have just finished my first paperclay project 2 nights ago. See how it has come to earth:

Paperclay Day 1                          

Paperclay Day 2

 

Paperclay Day 3

Em having trouble uploading pix. To be continued on my next post... :)

Almost every Sunday, WT and I go to mass together. And one of the churches where we often hear mass is actually our candidate #1 for our wedding (yes we still talk about getting married with each other someday, though I know that the probability of getting into that in the future is very low). Last Sunday though, we went to this church and I took some pictures as if we were really scouting for a church wedding venue, below is one of those:

This is the Sacred Hearts of Jesus and Mary Chapel located in West Triangle, Quezon City. What I like about this church is that it isn't very big, so ideal for simple and very private weddings, just the way I want my wedding to be. Another thing that I like about this is its location. The place is very quiet and peaceful, the road isn't that busy, no vendors are standing by outside except for a small sari-sari store across the street. The landscape outside the chapel is also a plus factor. There is also a small park beside it with trees that make the air inside the chapel cooler, so even if it is not air-conditioned, you won't have to perspire much in your wedding dress. :)

GA - my ever career-oriented friend. When we were in college, she was the one who would not cut classes. She was always the one who studies the hardest whenever we have exams. Consequently, she had the highest GWA amongst us, graduating with honors. After college, she was hired as an MDF staff along with law grads. Not so long after that, she had a bf who used to be a childhood friend. But after a couple of years, they broke up. She still loves him but she cannot accept the fact that he wasn't as goal-oriented as she is. "He isn't a go-getter," she reasons when asked why she kept herself from going back with him. Yet, she's hurting.

REN - my pusong-bato friend. She's the one who gets friends with people so unlikely for someone to be friends with. She seldom gets attracted to guys. She's not as emotional as most of us. But by some twist of nature, she found herself a bf just some time last year. But right before Christmas Day, she broke up with him. Why? Because of this usual kababawan feeling we girls have (so weird that this bato friend of mine is actually capable of feeling common girls' insecurities pala). And yes, despite her pusong-bato, she's now hurting.

MM - this is the girl that i was with the phone last night. She's the oldest yet the smallest among us. She's the working-student way back in college. Despite having to work to support her studies, she performed well in all our subjects. She's also active in serving their village chapel. That was where she met her boyfriend. While GA and I were already shedding tears for our lost relationships, MM and her bf were just starting with their then blooming relationship. We never thought that after a while, they will have the same fate, that they will have to break up as well. Sad part is, MM's bf has a cancer. No need to say she's hurting so much now.

OEN - luckily, we have Oen as saving grace for our berkada. As we have all said in a lot of occassions already, Oen has the best of everything. Like GA, she graduated with honors even ahead of us since she took advanced courses during summer. Perfect family, good looks, and yes, she's the most well-off. Though she found herself a good job after college, she had to resign because her family opened a school which she's now managing. To top it all of, she has a very ideal bf (so-so looks, stable job, very loving and loyal, what else could you ask for?)

Hopefully, Oen will not share the fate of the 4 of us. Para meron namang isang magtatayo ng bandera namen. :)

We used to be together... Now we are in this some sort of pseudo relationship... And here are my thoughts: 

What if you think you already find the man you would want to live the rest of your life with, but he happens to be the man who will hurt you forever?

What if you love this person so much, but he always makes it hard for you to trust him?

When he says he sees his future with you as his wife, would you believe him even though he refuses to have a commitment with you now?

When you love a person so much that it already hurts, should you still hang on?

When the girls you get jealous of, including his ex, are still in constant communication with him like chat every night or text every day, is it normal for you to feel bad? Are you in the position to question him?

What if you are so willing to leave everything behind and forget all that he has done, but he still wouldn't want to stop his "sideline" activities, are you becoming so stupid if you stick around still?

What if he reasons out that he just wanted to try all the "playing" now so he wouldn't have to cheat on you when he finally decided to get serious with you, would that be enough reason for you to take every pain he would cause you now?

What if you really love him that you've accepted all his excuses for that one chance of being with him at the end, but he admits he's willing to take the risk of losing you as he plays around?

About a month ago, I felt that I'm already used to the new things that had happened to me. Hence my aphorism: "change brings comfort after a while, it just needs getting used to."

Then again, what if things started to go back to how they used to be in the past. Should you welcome them all back? If you do, the same pain that you thought you have conquered already will all have to come back as well.. And it just feels so sad...

I also told myself that though history repeats itself, you need not play the same role over again. Or so I thought... Now, all I can see of myself is the same girl wearing that same old pair of shoes... And again, I'm beginning to feel the same kind of pain...

2007 was a year of loss...

It all begun in an event that happened just before the year 2006 ended. Because of that too-unpleasant-to-discuss event, I lost the 2 most precious friendships that I used to have. Sigh... Sigh... Sigh... But that's not the saddest part. What's more unfortunate was that I also lost the interest to bring that friendship back because a lot much uglier things happened as an offshoot of that. Whatever I hear now, I just shrug my shoulders. For as far as I'm concerned there were only 2 persons that deserved to hear my explanation. One was WT. The other one didn't give me the chance to air my side of the story and chose to believe only what she prefers. I believe I have done my part so I won't push it anymore.

Material things wise, I also had major losses. For one, my family lost a house. The place where I grew up and where I spent the 24 years of my life was brought down and we were forced to move to another place. Well, although we know that legally we have the right to stay there, we just chose to let it go since the amount of time, money and stress that that battle requires cannot be compensated by that small piece of lot where our house used to stand. I also lost my credit card by some up-to-now-unknown circumstances. The b*#^# was able to forge my signature and my card has been used to multiple transactions already before I got even aware that it was missing from my wallet. When I phoned the credit card bank, my credit limit was all used up already. It still makes me so gigil when I speak of how much that b@*#$ had spent so I won't be mentioning the amount anymore... To top it all of, the laptop that we had in the office, which was unfortunately purchased under my name was stolen during one weekend when (of all the weekends) the security cameras were all off. Although I wasn't asked to pay for it, still the stress that it brought caused me not to speak to one of my superiors for more than a month.

The biggest loss I had in 2007 was of course when me and WT broke up. I couldn't believe it has almost been a year now. I can still remember the blog I posted then saying how much I have lost due to that break up (see: joinme4awhile.blogs.friendster.com). More so, I could not also believe that a year after that what-I-thought-was-end-of-everything broke-up, we will be back in each other's arms trying to patch things up...

And so maybe it's also all about that. That no matter how much we seem to have lost, if we look at the other side of things, we have in fact gained some as well.

I may have lost two great friendships but I also gained several new ones. I now have constant companions during lunchbreaks composed of officemates from different departments ("The Lunchgroup" as we call ourselves). I also have the "Thursday Club", my constant companion now during weekday gimmicks. I also became close to co-employees in other branches, those that I have met during company activities I have actively shared part of. More importantly, I was able to revive old friendships with my college tropa as we now go out more often that we used to since our college grad. Bottomline, I gained a much wider horizon in terms of relationship with peers because of those losses.

Material wise, I got promoted. Higher compensation means I can now afford to pay the house where we've moved to. I can in fact buy more of the things I now want than I used to. I am actually even planning to buy a new laptop one of these days... (modesty aside... :D)

When it comes to my relationship with WT, needless to say, we have moved to a much mature level of relationship. I would just like to share some exchanges of messages that we had:

(Me to him on his birthday last August) - "we may have been apart in some ways for the past months... but come to think of it, our broke-up has actually brought us closer to one another as we now understand each other better, we've come to see our better side, we've proven that there are certain things that only you and me can give to one another..., we've humbly accepted our own faults..., and most especially, we were able to make each other feel special despite the separation..."

(Him to me during our supposed 3rd anniversary--grammar edited, hehehe) - "it's our day! Time is not what's important for me. No matter how good or bad our past may be, I will only hold on to what I feel for you. Though we may not be together officially, we can both vouch for that we are sharing now is special... promise to improve the way I'm treating you... you never left my heart and never did I remove you from it..."

So with that, I now say HELLO to 2008! :D

Another plus factor was that we were able to have some chit chat with the celebs who had their own stalls there. WT and I even posed for vanity shots with the few who were kind enough to grant our request for picture-taking even though we didn't buy anything from their stalls. Hehehe... the better-buys were actually sold by non-celebs, that's why. :D

We had dinner at Pier 1, unfortunately, an officemate "Zhang" spotted us, so the next day, we were headliner in the office. Hence people were actually asking me "are you two back together?"

But the answer is a big "NO!" :D