"Pseudo Relationships" - are they really the "in" thing or simply the way to go these days?

A friend recently forwarded to me an email about pseudo relationships and why they exist… I sort of able to relate myself to what the author of that email was saying because I am currently in one of those pseudo relationships. According to that email, that kind of set up exists because of the following major reasons (or a combination):

1. Two people are in love with each other but they both know that they are not yet ready or mature enough to handle a relationship. Hence, they just go with the flow without committing to a relationship.

2. Two people feel something so special with one another, they enjoy doing things together, love spending time with one another,  but neither of them is brave enough to talk about it .

3. Past lovers, who after breaking up might have tried to be with other people, but after sometime realized that those relationships won’t work either, ended up doing things as they used to when they were still lovers minus the commitment thing. Probably so as not to let their past mistakes ruin the same relationship or because they too aren’t still sure whether they really want to be back in each others’ arms or they simply can’t find their true love that for the meantime, they can do with what used to work in the past.

My situation would obviously fall under the third one. Pseudo relationships can probably be considered as a very practical set up given those situations mentioned above. Practical in the sense that you can be happy without sacrificing your other priorities. But like in any other more “common” relationships, pseudo relationships would only come across as the best option if both parties are in the same mind frame–more aptly put, same emotional stability or instability.

In other words, if it is a mutual choice, well and good, win-win. However, if this set up is a choice for one party alone and the other party is wishing for something more, then it becomes a win-lose situation. The pseudo relationship then becomes a source of more heart breaks, disappointments and sometimes false hopes for the losing end.

Then again it will always be a choice, and each person would always be entitled to his/her own choice. Only in the course of choosing, we sometimes let ourselves continue to grieve at the losing end. Clouding the darker side that we might end up being junked and still rejected in the end, by choosing to look at the silver lining that there could still be a chance that what we’re aching for will be given to us. Again there goes the false hope that no matter what, it will always be a happy ending, it will still be a “happily ever after”.

Bad Bad Weekend

My would-be Palawan vacation this coming thursday is already ruined because of the many misacts and lies that I had to tolerate since friday of last week.

My patience was put into so much tests and I could no longer take any more of it. This is the first time that I felt sort of abused already and I even asked myself what might have I done for this person to treat me that way. To give you an idea, I’ll share with you bits and pieces of my weekend story:

Friday night: I was having dinner with friends. He was texting me telling me he’ll drop by my house later that night (he was still practicing drums with officemates). Told him he could pick me up from trinoma instead since me and my friends would probably be spending some more time for coffee. He said he can’t. I asked why, no answer. However, when coffee was finished he called me up, telling me he was picking me up and we could spend some time at bk chillin’. We were in the car already when his phone rang. Overheard him saying “sige sunod ako.” I wouldn’t have reacted to that, but the next thing I knew, we were pulling over in front of my house. Get it? He just brought me home, cancelling our bk plan without a single word even just for the mere sake of “hey for your info, I’m cancelling our plans.”

Deep breath… Deep breath… When he realized my face wasn’t as friendly as it normally looks, he sensed the problem. However, he was able to lure me with his lambing so I ended up telling him “enjoy the night and just text me you got home” before kissing him goodbye, silently reminding myself that he needs to spend time with his friends and I shouldn’t feel bad about it.

Saturday: The “goodmorning” call went quite late given his previous nights’ gimmick. He said they’ll have another round of practice today. Lunchtime, he called me up again saying they’re done practicing. Mid afternoon, I phoned him just to ask if he’s back home already. Guess what he told me… “we’re going to quezon, road trip”. Take note, he said it wasn’t planned, just barkada trip “biglaan.” I went blank… It was almost 3pm, they’re going to quezon (same friends he was with last night), probably arrive there almost night time, have some drinks, sleep, then go to the beach sunday late morning until afternoon… So what happened to last week’s plan of us going to spa together on Sunday???

Told him not to go anymore, he didn’t listen. Assured me we’re still pushing through with Sunday plans…

Sunday: Lunchtime he texted me, said we’ll probably have to adjust the spa appointment a little later than what we originally planned. Fine with me… At 5 I was expecting him to be on his way back to manila. At 6, his text message was: “paalis pa lang kami“… Me, was a little hysteric, “nananadya ka?”.

11pm, was about to sleep already, in my worst mood ever… My phone rang, it was him. Said he’s outside, was even insisting we push through with plans of going to spa and dine out, this time much much sweeter, he knew I was burning. I went out for him, looked him straight in the eyes and said “you’re too late.”

When I looked inside the car, I saw his towel, wet clothes, board shorts… “So, biglaan nga pala!”

Insensitive, liar, abusive, selfish…

Go On Boy…

You had me, on bargain, I won’t deny that. But you made it so hard, so impossible to an extent, for me to stay in love with you. I simply had too much. I’ve grown so tired of all the pain you’ve caused me. If you cannot avoid doing things that you know would hurt me, then it only means you can very well afford to lose me.

Quoting Ne-yo: Please don’t worry ’bout me I’m fine, only gonna play the fool one time (though I know I played the fool too many times for you), trust me when I say, that I’ll be okay… go on boy…

I’m so into you…

When you left, my entire world was shaken… I stopped dreaming, I lost my direction… I cried so hard each night, I cursed you and I wished then I never have let you enter my life… I tried to forget about you, but laughing became just instantaneous joy… For your absence made it so hard for me to find true happiness…

We used to be together… Now we are in this some sort of pseudo relationship… And here are my thoughts: 

What if you think you already find the man you would want to live the rest of your life with, but he happens to be the man who will hurt you forever?

What if you love this person so much, but he always makes it hard for you to trust him?

When he says he sees his future with you as his wife, would you believe him even though he refuses to have a commitment with you now?

When you love a person so much that it already hurts, should you still hang on?

When the girls you get jealous of, including his ex, are still in constant communication with him like chat every night or text every day, is it normal for you to feel bad? Are you in the position to question him?

What if you are so willing to leave everything behind and forget all that he has done, but he still wouldn’t want to stop his "sideline" activities, are you becoming so stupid if you stick around still?

What if he reasons out that he just wanted to try all the "playing" now so he wouldn’t have to cheat on you when he finally decided to get serious with you, would that be enough reason for you to take every pain he would cause you now?

What if you really love him that you’ve accepted all his excuses for that one chance of being with him at the end, but he admits he’s willing to take the risk of losing you as he plays around?

Looking Back to 2007

This is the time of the year when people write about their new year's resolution. I am no exception since I myself have listed some. Then again, it is also worth looking back to how things had been in 2007. For me, it was a very challenging year, or should I say, the most challenging year I have ever faced so far.

2007 was a year of loss…

It all begun in an event that happened just before the year 2006 ended. Because of that too-unpleasant-to-discuss event, I lost the 2 most precious friendships that I used to have. Sigh… Sigh… Sigh… But that's not the saddest part. What's more unfortunate was that I also lost the interest to bring that friendship back because a lot much uglier things happened as an offshoot of that. Whatever I hear now, I just shrug my shoulders. For as far as I'm concerned there were only 2 persons that deserved to hear my explanation. One was WT. The other one didn't give me the chance to air my side of the story and chose to believe only what she prefers. I believe I have done my part so I won't push it anymore.

Material things wise, I also had major losses. For one, my family lost a house. The place where I grew up and where I spent the 24 years of my life was brought down and we were forced to move to another place. Well, although we know that legally we have the right to stay there, we just chose to let it go since the amount of time, money and stress that that battle requires cannot be compensated by that small piece of lot where our house used to stand. I also lost my credit card by some up-to-now-unknown circumstances. The b*#^# was able to forge my signature and my card has been used to multiple transactions already before I got even aware that it was missing from my wallet. When I phoned the credit card bank, my credit limit was all used up already. It still makes me so gigil when I speak of how much that b@*#$ had spent so I won't be mentioning the amount anymore… To top it all of, the laptop that we had in the office, which was unfortunately purchased under my name was stolen during one weekend when (of all the weekends) the security cameras were all off. Although I wasn't asked to pay for it, still the stress that it brought caused me not to speak to one of my superiors for more than a month.

The biggest loss I had in 2007 was of course when me and WT broke up. I couldn't believe it has almost been a year now. I can still remember the blog I posted then saying how much I have lost due to that break up (see: joinme4awhile.blogs.friendster.com). More so, I could not also believe that a year after that what-I-thought-was-end-of-everything broke-up, we will be back in each other's arms trying to patch things up…

And so maybe it's also all about that. That no matter how much we seem to have lost, if we look at the other side of things, we have in fact gained some as well.

I may have lost two great friendships but I also gained several new ones. I now have constant companions during lunchbreaks composed of officemates from different departments ("The Lunchgroup" as we call ourselves). I also have the "Thursday Club", my constant companion now during weekday gimmicks. I also became close to co-employees in other branches, those that I have met during company activities I have actively shared part of. More importantly, I was able to revive old friendships with my college tropa as we now go out more often that we used to since our college grad. Bottomline, I gained a much wider horizon in terms of relationship with peers because of those losses.

Material wise, I got promoted. Higher compensation means I can now afford to pay the house where we've moved to. I can in fact buy more of the things I now want than I used to. I am actually even planning to buy a new laptop one of these days… (modesty aside… )

When it comes to my relationship with WT, needless to say, we have moved to a much mature level of relationship. I would just like to share some exchanges of messages that we had:

(Me to him on his birthday last August) - "we may have been apart in some ways for the past months… but come to think of it, our broke-up has actually brought us closer to one another as we now understand each other better, we've come to see our better side, we've proven that there are certain things that only you and me can give to one another…, we've humbly accepted our own faults…, and most especially, we were able to make each other feel special despite the separation…"

(Him to me during our supposed 3rd anniversary–grammar edited, hehehe) - "it's our day! Time is not what's important for me. No matter how good or bad our past may be, I will only hold on to what I feel for you. Though we may not be together officially, we can both vouch for that we are sharing now is special… promise to improve the way I'm treating you… you never left my heart and never did I remove you from it…"

So with that, I now say HELLO to 2008!