Sigh…

I feel so sad….

About a month ago, I felt that I'm already used to the new things that had happened to me. Hence my aphorism: "change brings comfort after a while, it just needs getting used to."

Then again, what if things started to go back to how they used to be in the past. Should you welcome them all back? If you do, the same pain that you thought you have conquered already will all have to come back as well.. And it just feels so sad…

I also told myself that though history repeats itself, you need not play the same role over again. Or so I thought… Now, all I can see of myself is the same girl wearing that same old pair of shoes… And again, I'm beginning to feel the same kind of pain…

Afraid to be Happy

Have you ever had that feeling of being happy yet so insecure about what might happen afterwards?

For those who have gone through so much pain, you would surely know the feeling of being so afraid to go back to that phase of your life again (if in fact you have actually recovered from it already). That whenever there is reason for you to smile and laugh again, a voice in your head would ask how much tears would you have to shed after that moment of joy.

I never thought happiness can be something to be scared about. But now, I know that it can, in a way, frighten you. Sometimes, it is just better to ignore that little cautious voice inside you and set yourself free. Hence my aphorism—Ignorance is bliss.

Fencing Basics

 I can still remember our first lesson when I took up my fencing class in college: advance and retrieve.

The first step to offense is advancing while the first arm of defense would be to retrieve. If you are to be good in fencing, then you've got to master when to use which. In order to score, you will have to advance and ensure that you've got the right-of-way (this is a fencing term which refers to holding the offense status, if you are to apply the term for instance in volleyball or badminton, the team who does the serve has the right-of-way. But then again in fencing, there are ways to gain and regain the righ-of-way). On the other hand, if your opponent is the one who has the right-of-way and efforts to regain it have failed, then the best option in order to defend yourself would be to retrieve. This way, your opponent will not be able to score against you and you will have even more chances of regaining the right to score.

Now I've realized that the basics of fencing can also be applied in relationships. I always say that I know how to choose my battles and I only choose those that I can surely win. But then again, sometimes when you're too much into fighting for something that you think you cannot afford to lose, your rationality becomes a major disappointment. After 8 months of insanity, i confronted myself last night and accepted the fact that this is the point where I should retrieve.

About 8 months ago, my then boyfriend broke up with me and a month after that, he started to see this new girl. I was such a loser that i kept on hanging out with my ex in hopes that i could bring back his feelings for me… After months of trying to be as stupid as i can and pretending i am happy despite the situation, i finally accepted the fact that this is one of those battles that i shouldn't have fought with in the first place. And it's not because of the slightest possibilty of winning, but because i do not have the righ-of-way to begin with.