Me, My Berks and Our Fate

I was on the phone last night with one of my berkada. We were talking for hours. She’s very upset after her bf for 2 years broke up with her. Listening to her is like listening to myself about a year ago when WT broke up with me. I just chuckled as I’ve realized that 4 of us, out of 5, in our all-girls berkada share the same fate when it comes to lovelife. Of course you know my story… Now let me introduce the other 4 one by one..

GA - my ever career-oriented friend. When we were in college, she was the one who would not cut classes. She was always the one who studies the hardest whenever we have exams. Consequently, she had the highest GWA amongst us, graduating with honors. After college, she was hired as an MDF staff along with law grads. Not so long after that, she had a bf who used to be a childhood friend. But after a couple of years, they broke up. She still loves him but she cannot accept the fact that he wasn’t as goal-oriented as she is. "He isn’t a go-getter," she reasons when asked why she kept herself from going back with him. Yet, she’s hurting.

REN - my pusong-bato friend. She’s the one who gets friends with people so unlikely for someone to be friends with. She seldom gets attracted to guys. She’s not as emotional as most of us. But by some twist of nature, she found herself a bf just some time last year. But right before Christmas Day, she broke up with him. Why? Because of this usual kababawan feeling we girls have (so weird that this bato friend of mine is actually capable of feeling common girls’ insecurities pala). And yes, despite her pusong-bato, she’s now hurting.

MM - this is the girl that i was with the phone last night. She’s the oldest yet the smallest among us. She’s the working-student way back in college. Despite having to work to support her studies, she performed well in all our subjects. She’s also active in serving their village chapel. That was where she met her boyfriend. While GA and I were already shedding tears for our lost relationships, MM and her bf were just starting with their then blooming relationship. We never thought that after a while, they will have the same fate, that they will have to break up as well. Sad part is, MM’s bf has a cancer. No need to say she’s hurting so much now.

OEN - luckily, we have Oen as saving grace for our berkada. As we have all said in a lot of occassions already, Oen has the best of everything. Like GA, she graduated with honors even ahead of us since she took advanced courses during summer. Perfect family, good looks, and yes, she’s the most well-off. Though she found herself a good job after college, she had to resign because her family opened a school which she’s now managing. To top it all of, she has a very ideal bf (so-so looks, stable job, very loving and loyal, what else could you ask for?)

Hopefully, Oen will not share the fate of the 4 of us. Para meron namang isang magtatayo ng bandera namen.

I’m so into you…

When you left, my entire world was shaken… I stopped dreaming, I lost my direction… I cried so hard each night, I cursed you and I wished then I never have let you enter my life… I tried to forget about you, but laughing became just instantaneous joy… For your absence made it so hard for me to find true happiness…

We used to be together… Now we are in this some sort of pseudo relationship… And here are my thoughts: 

What if you think you already find the man you would want to live the rest of your life with, but he happens to be the man who will hurt you forever?

What if you love this person so much, but he always makes it hard for you to trust him?

When he says he sees his future with you as his wife, would you believe him even though he refuses to have a commitment with you now?

When you love a person so much that it already hurts, should you still hang on?

When the girls you get jealous of, including his ex, are still in constant communication with him like chat every night or text every day, is it normal for you to feel bad? Are you in the position to question him?

What if you are so willing to leave everything behind and forget all that he has done, but he still wouldn’t want to stop his "sideline" activities, are you becoming so stupid if you stick around still?

What if he reasons out that he just wanted to try all the "playing" now so he wouldn’t have to cheat on you when he finally decided to get serious with you, would that be enough reason for you to take every pain he would cause you now?

What if you really love him that you’ve accepted all his excuses for that one chance of being with him at the end, but he admits he’s willing to take the risk of losing you as he plays around?

Sigh…

I feel so sad….

About a month ago, I felt that I'm already used to the new things that had happened to me. Hence my aphorism: "change brings comfort after a while, it just needs getting used to."

Then again, what if things started to go back to how they used to be in the past. Should you welcome them all back? If you do, the same pain that you thought you have conquered already will all have to come back as well.. And it just feels so sad…

I also told myself that though history repeats itself, you need not play the same role over again. Or so I thought… Now, all I can see of myself is the same girl wearing that same old pair of shoes… And again, I'm beginning to feel the same kind of pain…

Looking Back to 2007

This is the time of the year when people write about their new year's resolution. I am no exception since I myself have listed some. Then again, it is also worth looking back to how things had been in 2007. For me, it was a very challenging year, or should I say, the most challenging year I have ever faced so far.

2007 was a year of loss…

It all begun in an event that happened just before the year 2006 ended. Because of that too-unpleasant-to-discuss event, I lost the 2 most precious friendships that I used to have. Sigh… Sigh… Sigh… But that's not the saddest part. What's more unfortunate was that I also lost the interest to bring that friendship back because a lot much uglier things happened as an offshoot of that. Whatever I hear now, I just shrug my shoulders. For as far as I'm concerned there were only 2 persons that deserved to hear my explanation. One was WT. The other one didn't give me the chance to air my side of the story and chose to believe only what she prefers. I believe I have done my part so I won't push it anymore.

Material things wise, I also had major losses. For one, my family lost a house. The place where I grew up and where I spent the 24 years of my life was brought down and we were forced to move to another place. Well, although we know that legally we have the right to stay there, we just chose to let it go since the amount of time, money and stress that that battle requires cannot be compensated by that small piece of lot where our house used to stand. I also lost my credit card by some up-to-now-unknown circumstances. The b*#^# was able to forge my signature and my card has been used to multiple transactions already before I got even aware that it was missing from my wallet. When I phoned the credit card bank, my credit limit was all used up already. It still makes me so gigil when I speak of how much that b@*#$ had spent so I won't be mentioning the amount anymore… To top it all of, the laptop that we had in the office, which was unfortunately purchased under my name was stolen during one weekend when (of all the weekends) the security cameras were all off. Although I wasn't asked to pay for it, still the stress that it brought caused me not to speak to one of my superiors for more than a month.

The biggest loss I had in 2007 was of course when me and WT broke up. I couldn't believe it has almost been a year now. I can still remember the blog I posted then saying how much I have lost due to that break up (see: joinme4awhile.blogs.friendster.com). More so, I could not also believe that a year after that what-I-thought-was-end-of-everything broke-up, we will be back in each other's arms trying to patch things up…

And so maybe it's also all about that. That no matter how much we seem to have lost, if we look at the other side of things, we have in fact gained some as well.

I may have lost two great friendships but I also gained several new ones. I now have constant companions during lunchbreaks composed of officemates from different departments ("The Lunchgroup" as we call ourselves). I also have the "Thursday Club", my constant companion now during weekday gimmicks. I also became close to co-employees in other branches, those that I have met during company activities I have actively shared part of. More importantly, I was able to revive old friendships with my college tropa as we now go out more often that we used to since our college grad. Bottomline, I gained a much wider horizon in terms of relationship with peers because of those losses.

Material wise, I got promoted. Higher compensation means I can now afford to pay the house where we've moved to. I can in fact buy more of the things I now want than I used to. I am actually even planning to buy a new laptop one of these days… (modesty aside… )

When it comes to my relationship with WT, needless to say, we have moved to a much mature level of relationship. I would just like to share some exchanges of messages that we had:

(Me to him on his birthday last August) - "we may have been apart in some ways for the past months… but come to think of it, our broke-up has actually brought us closer to one another as we now understand each other better, we've come to see our better side, we've proven that there are certain things that only you and me can give to one another…, we've humbly accepted our own faults…, and most especially, we were able to make each other feel special despite the separation…"

(Him to me during our supposed 3rd anniversary–grammar edited, hehehe) - "it's our day! Time is not what's important for me. No matter how good or bad our past may be, I will only hold on to what I feel for you. Though we may not be together officially, we can both vouch for that we are sharing now is special… promise to improve the way I'm treating you… you never left my heart and never did I remove you from it…"

So with that, I now say HELLO to 2008!